Monty Tom and The Holy Leola Root
by darkdancer
Summary: Oh no! Voyager is out of Leola root! Oh the horror! The only answer is to cross Star Trek Voyager with Monty Python & the Holy Grail and insert random silliness just for fun. Prior knowledge of Voyager not a necessity, just a spice, like ginger, no thyme


Author 

Darkdancer

()

Producer:

Billy-bob Joe

  


Director:

John Lennon

  


Executive producer:

Luke Skywalker

  


The Amazing Dancing Llamas

Buttercup

Inigo

Fezzick

Max

  


"Captain we are running low on Leola Root." Neelix complained

~~Dance music blares throughout the ship. Confetti falls from the ceiling, a disco ball lowers, multi colored lights flashed~~ 

"What's that?" Harry asked in surprise brushing confetti off his shoulder.

"It appears to be in reaction to the lack of Leola Root aboard the ship," Tuvok commented. 

"Computer, halt music, confetti and lights. Withdraw disco ball." Captain Janeway ordered. "Who programed this?" 

Crickets are heard chirping as everyone looks at each other, no one steps forward. Captain Janeway scowls but returns to the matter at hand. We need more leola root, is there any where we can get it nearby?" She asked Neelix. 

"Yes, there is conveniently a planet in the system near here that holds leola root. Naturally I've never been there personally because that would make our welcome too assured. 

"Mr. Paris, set a course for the planet where leola root grows."

"Yes ma'am new heading 1,2 buckle my shoe."

Janeway sat. "Engage."

****

The away team, consisting of Tuvok, Ayala, Nameless Crewman #345 and Nameless Crewman # 24 were gathered in the transporter room. They were awaiting the remaining two members. The turbolift opened and Commander Chakotay stepped out, straightening his uniform, which had somehow gotten disarrayed in the turbolift. Tom Paris followed him, smoothing his hair, which had also gotten mysteriously tousled in the turbolift. They all stepped on the transporter and were beamed to the surface. Tricorders in hand they slowly turned to around in circles. Then observing that they weren't being watched they began spinning as fast as they could. 

"Report." Chakotay ordered.

"No signs of life."

"Vegetation 3° to our left." 

"Your left or my left?" Chakotay demanded

"Uh, my left." Nameless Crewman # 24 responded

"I read no remarkable geological formations in our vicinity." (Guess who)

"You sunk my Battleship!" A strange voice announced from Tom's tricorder. They all turned to regard him and he hastily turned off his tricorder. "Nothing to report." He announced quickly. 

"All right everyone start looking for the leola root."

"Sir! Figures approaching!" Ayala shouted, pointing. (It's rude to point)

"I thought there was no sign of life." Chakotay demanded.

"Oops." Harry turned his tricorder around, "Heavily populated by humanoid creatures." He corrected.

"Oh yay."

Two figures trotted up. One was holding on to thin air, another was laden with packs, and carrying two half spheres.

"Welcome strangers, I am hfasdutfibvkayfqwiu. This is my servant Bob. We have ridden to greet you..."

"Ridden?" Chakotay interrupted

"Yes."

"On what?"

"Horses, naturally."

"Hey those look like coconuts." Tom observed.

"They are coconuts." hfasdutfibvkayfqwiu explained.

"Where'd you get them?"

"We found them."

"Where?"

"Near here."

"But I thought this area was temperate."

"So?"

"The coconut is tropical."

"The house marten my fly south with the sun, the swallow my seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land."

"Are you saying coconuts migrate?" Tom demanded skeptically.

"No, it could be carried."

"What a swallow carry a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the husk."

"It's not a question of where it grips it, it's a simple matter of weight/ air speed velocity. A 20 ounce swallow could not carry a 40 ounce coconut."

"An African swallow could." Tuvok pointed out. 

"I don't think African swallows are migratory." Chakotay observed.

"Look, it doesn't matter, all we want to know is why you are here." 

"We're looking for leola root." Harry piped up.

"Ah, so you also search for the holy leola root. Well, good luck on your search." hfasdutfibvkayfqwiu. Gestured to his servant, Bob, and they departed.

We'll split up into teams." Chakotay decided. "Nameless Crewman # 24, Nameless Crewman # 345, and Ensign Kim, you go left. Tuvok, Ayala, you go right. Tom and I will go straight ahead." Nodding they headed off.

**What follows is the tale of Ayala and Tuvok**

They found themselves in a forest of some sort. Stopping short they found themselves face to face with some distinctly odd looking individuals.

"Ni!" One of them shouted at the pair. (Not _that_ kind of pair, whackos.)

Ayala fell back in fear and pain. Tuvok was impassive. "Ni!" The leader repeated with greater fervor. Still no response from Tuvok.

Except, observing his companion's discomfort he leveled a phaser at the being. "Please desist whatever you are doing to harm my companion." 

The creature looked – disconcerted. "My nee-woh must be rusty." He and the others departed into the woods and Tuvok and Ayala continued unmolested.

Eventually they came upon a village. "Do you know where we could get some leola root?" Tuvok asked an old woman beating a furry creature strangely resembling an earth cat against the side of dwelling. 

"No, no I don't know anything about any leola root." Tuvok nodded. "Then could you perhaps tell me where I can purchase some shrubbery."

"Shrubbery?" Ayala questioned

"The Captain requested I procure some shrubbery for her."

"Oh."

"One that looks nice."

"Oh."

"And not too expensive."

They were interrupted. "Forgive me sirs."

They turned, "Yes?" Tuvok asked the man standing behind them. Or he had been before they turned around, now he was in front of them.

"But I couldn't help overhearing you. I sell, design and grow shrubberies. I am a shrubber. My name is Tony the Shrubber."

**The Tale Of Harry Kim and the Nameless Crewmen**

Harry and the Nameless Crewmen struggled through the underbrush and found themselves outside a castle. They decided to knock and see if anyone there had some leola root. A woman in a white dress answered. "Welcome to castle Anthrax, I'm Stacy."

The fate of Harry Kim and the Nameless Crewman

Is a mystery to this day. They never reappeared 

after entering the mysterious Castle Anthrax

Attempts to transport them were unsuccessful

The crew of Voyager was very saddened to be 

forced to leave the hapless fellows

To the unknown but undoubtably perilous peril

**The Tale of Chakotay and Tom**

Tom and Chakotay also ventured along a castle. "Hello!" Tom shouted once they reached the walls.

A head peered over the edge, "Allo!"

"Would you happen to know where we could find some leola root?"

The man with the funky hat and strangely french accent was distracted however, "Are you two holding hands?"

Quickly the pair released each other's hands. "No."

"Huh. Well, go away any how."

"Look, we're from the Federation Starship Voyager, we're searching for some leola root. Do you know where we can find some?"

"And why should we tell you Federation Starship Voyager pig-dogs. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."

"Now there's no need for insults, we just asked— Spirits!" The duo ducked as a cow came hurdling unexpectedly over the side of the wall.

"Run away run away!"

They dashed away (Conveniently forgetting their possession of phasers) and the man on the wall made rude noises.

"Look," Tom pointed out. "Leola root is not worth this effort. Let's just –uh– hide in those bushes until the scene changes."

"Good idea Lo–Tom."

****

"As you can see Captain we brought you a shrubbery." 

Captain Janeway nodded, "Ah yes I see, It's a good shrubbery, in fact it's actually more than one shrubberies. I count 1,2,5 shrubberies."

"3 Ma'am."

"3 shrubberies. Well Nameless Ensign # 45, find the rest of the crew, I'm calling off the mission, we don't really need leola root." 

"Yes Captain."

****

Alas, all was not over for our lost heros, for death awaited them with big pointy teeth. After being chased over the quadrant by the rabid space bunny Captain Janeway decided to give it to her godson Q, for his 5th birthday. 

3rd Ma'am

3rd Birthday.

But before it left it devoured Neelix and all his left over leola root. And there was much rejoicing.


End file.
